Pondering Change

I've recognized something about myself. I've realized that I want to "be" with guys that I already know I don't want to be in a relationship with. I do this because I know that I'll have better control over my feelings should I ever think myself wanting more from them. I need that control of the situation. Now, I believe that I'm on Earth to learn lessons and to become less and less ruled by human emotions with the point being to learn to love fully. Loving completely and being human is very hard, hence why Earth schooling is so important and why life is hard. So, that being shared, I see my need for control as a lesson or obstacle I will need to get past. It is preventing me from being vulnerable which is the only way I can experience a deep love. Everyone knows that being vulnerable increases ones chances of pain, fear and all these other negative emotions that hold us back, but we have to remember that these emotions are human. They are not stronger than our soul. We don't have to allow them to control us. Of course, this is easier said than done. This struggle is what I recognize being played out in me. I want to let myself be vulnerable and open to love and be loved in return, BUT, I don't want to feel the pain and hurt of loving someone and they losing their love for you. I want to say that my past doesn't rule my present, but everyone's history is present in how they make their decision. My step dad divorced my mom. He divorced me. He divorced our family. It hurt and years later I think the pain has morphed into a need for control. You see, prior to the divorce, I used to lay my heart on the line. I had balls. I told my crush that I liked him and I dealt with the youthful embarrassment that comes with such a revealing act. Since the divorce, I haven't had a crush. And, by crush, I mean someone I could have seen myself happy with. No one has come close to touching my heart.

So, its late and I need to go to sleep. The point of this blog has been to propose a question to myself and to anyone who reads this that feels they can offer insight or anything really that they feel inclined to share. I am wondering if I should continue only getting close to people I know I couldn't ever be with OR should I attempt to force myself to change. By this I mean going against my grain and attempt to expose my heart to pain. I am not really sure how I would do this, but I can see the need for it and I'm wondering if I should try and make that change now. Maybe if I continue looking for meaningless fun, I'll find a meaning...Perhaps I'll learn my lessons by making more "mistakes"...I don't know. I'm just pondering a change.

Christmas lists

My mom texted me today to ask me for my Christmas list. My sister and I used to prepare months in advance for this moment. Collections of toys r' us and target ads were kept by our beds and the Fingerhut catalog was kept in the bathroom for all to enjoy. Making out lists were one of our traditions. Now that we are older and haven't lived at home for more than a month in about five years, things have changed. Our lists really aren't very important. Why? Mostly because I don't really want anything (thought I could use somethings), but also because of money issues. Money pretty much puts a damper on everything so that is the last time I will mention it. So, here is my list for the 2011 Christmas.

This is in no particular order:

1. The Hunger Games Trilogy
2. A carrying case to put all my nail polish
3. New Jeans
4. Victoria Secret gift card
5. Kindle
6. a french press coffee maker
7. new running shoes
8. Be in a Vinyasa Yoga Class
9. My own car
10. A Job
11. Professional looking clothes
12. New Cell Phone
13. Mint tea
14. Money to go snowboarding/skiing
15. Harry Potter Snuggie
16. Brown Boots size 9
17. Red TOMS
18. Amazon Gift Card
19. Women's Health Magazine subscription

Being Erica aka "Best Show in the World"

If you haven't heard of the Canadian show Being Erica, then you are hearing about it now. I just watched the series finale of probably THE best show on television to date.
Centered around Erica Strange, played by actress Erin Karpluck, the show follows the life of a 32 year old woman who hits her low point after losing her job as a telephone sales woman. She is full of regrets and doesn't know what she is doing. One day she eats something she is allergic to and ends up in the hospital where she meets a man called Doctor Tom. Its from this point, that the show starts and never looks back. Doctor Tom guides Erica back in time through her regrets so that she has the opportunity to change them and to move past them. After resolving a regret, she finds that obstacles in her present life are often related to the issue she had to face in her past. This helps her face the present situation with a new perspective making a resolution of her issues attainable. Over the past four seasons of this show, Erica has faced a lot. She had to relive her brothers death; she has dealt with broken hearts; she has lost hope, found hope and she has given hope. Through her life and the lessons she learns, Erica helps her family and friends find happiness too.

I found that every episode seemed to mirror things I was facing in my life. Issues of insecurity, sexuality, love, fear, letting the past determine the future, issues with family and friends and so much more. It represents the life of a woman, nay, the life of any person who just needs help to realize that the life they want is attainable. The show does all this while being sweet, charming, disarming, funny, smart, and, most importantly, relatable. Human lessons at their finest.

My writing about how fabulous this show is just can't do it Being Erica justice. So, watch it for yourself. It doesn't matter if you are a man or woman, gay or straight. This show hits home and I think it can help you to at least see life in a different way. Sometimes a change in perspective is all that is needed.

Lists

Things I would like to be doing:

1. Not procrastinating studying for a final, because I wouldn't have a final.
2. Sleeping with super vivid dreams that contain one or more of the following: sex, flying, famous people, mind reading, being a kick-ass chick crime fighter.
3. Reading the Hunger Games
4. Painting my nails
5. Eating chipotle. especially the lemon salt chips they have
6. Talking to a psychic.
7. Being a psychic/medium.
8. Warm in bed writing this blog.
9. Waxing.

Things I am doing/have been doing instead of studying:

1. Watching 'Kissing Jessica Stein'.
2. Watching youtube videos of Chelsea Lately interviews.
3. Watching Pride and Prejudice (the 2005 version)
4. Write on twitter.
5. Check out Facebook.
6. Stare at the book and lecture notes I should be studying.
7. Come up with potential 'nevertobe' band names: the City of Elsewhere
8. Imagine what it might be like to hookup and/or start a relationship with a guy from back home.
9. Wonder if the things I see out of the corner of my eye are real.


I really like sabotaging myself. ooooooo another band name the Art of Sabotage or the Artful Sabotage

The Musings of a Professional Procrastinator

I should be writing an ethnological paper right now, but, instead, I sit here writing a blog. I've had about 11 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours; my mind is nearly the consistency of melted jello and I want nothing more than to watch the Kiera Knightly version of Pride and Prejudice while I fall asleep. (Reminder to self: Put picture of Mr. Darcy, both versions, on pinterest board for 'Guys I would love to love.')

Right now it is 1:42 am in California and my paper is due in hard copy for at 6pm today. It is supposed to be little more than 10 pages, include references to books and articles I haven't read, and examine the research I have done little of. Its times like these that have defined my time in college. The late nights/all nighters that amount to little more than a greater knowledge of how to waste time and look disheveled doing it. Oh, the life of a single twenty something gal. I'm kind of a professional when it comes to wasting time. I've been doing it since I was little. Example: When I my mother asked me to do chores, I would invent new games, speak with accents that were all the same, decide which laugh (I can do a lot of them) was best,

throw my dolls birthday parties because I was scared they would come to life and hurt me for how I used to treat them, go to my neighbors house down the street and pretend to speak Spanish to their little Mexican girl neighbor (I am Mexican, 4th generation so I don't speak Spanish), but I would eventually go home clean and do the best f-ing job at it and my mom never gave me too much crap for putting off the inevitable. Things haven't changed. I wouldn't say that my paper will be the best f-ing paper ever, but it will hopefully sound smart. I am pretty darn good at sounding smart. Big words, especially scientific ones, are my friends and defensive line backers when ever I feel threatened or inadequate. So, on average, I sound like a mix between Mumble McMumblekins and a lady Morgan Freeman.

I am actually thinking of looking into doing voice over work once I graduate and move back home and get my drivers license and explain to everyone that I am working on applying to grad school. Voice work has always been a dream of mine ever since I used to practice the most annoying sound in the world (raise your hands if you know that reference). I have a lot of friends that have Hollywood connections...so who knows, you could one day hear my voice be the new voice of feminine itch relief products. I actually think that would be pretty sweet. So its pretty late. My feets is freezing and I should really start my paper. Hmmmm...perhaps its a good time to look up youtube tutorials on how to apply make-up so I can hide the purple rings under my eyes!

A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy” – by Yashar Ali

This is so messed up and completely true. My mom's boyfriend does it to her and it pisses me off that she can't see it. And, if I bring it up, she'll think I just don't accept her choice in men. Nobody, woman or man, should be made to feel degraded in their value. A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy” – by Yashar Ali

Clocks are ticking

Its almost time. A week from this Saturday I will be graduating. My family will be descending upon my college town prepared to take pictures, whistle, clap and show me how proud they are of my achievements. I graduate the day after I take my last final in college. I graduate after three hard tests and a ten page paper. I graduate after a fall quarter of new beginnings. I graduate after four full years of failings and passings. I am so ready to graduate. I am so ready to move on. To be able to begin my life and to have the opportunity to use what I have learned over my time in college is something I anticipate. I know I'm in for the tough realities of life outside of Uni, but to me those struggles will bring me closer to completing my Earth schooling. I know I will be okay no matter what adventures I go on because I know that all roads lead home.

But, until then, I am stressed. I am tired and I probably look like crap. There is still so much to do before I'm done here.

All the Single Ladies - The Atlantic

This article is a bit long but it is smart and so relative to my life right now. I'm sure its something every woman no matter their relationship status can relate to. I finished reading this with a smile on my face and with a sense of understanding about what its like to be a single woman in today's society. There is a lot to be learned and this article has brought me closer to enlightenment. All the Single Ladies - The Atlantic

Jimmie Durante's voice is like a deep voiced angel fell from heaven and sang love songs

When did first dates start to feel so pressured?

What do you do when you've had a first date and the guys is obviously more interested in you than you are with him?

Tonight I went out with my neighbor who I'll call John. So John lives in the apartment next to me and I met him while taking my housemates dog out to go potty/walk. He has a dog and we conversed about them maybe about 4 or 5 times. Hes nice and our conversations were never awkward. They were comfortable. Or..well I guess I never really paid them any mind, so to me they were just a friendly thing. I should have known that when he started asking me more questions about me and what I liked to do that he was interested. So last Monday, we were both outside with the dogs (randomly) and he asks me what my weekend schedule is like. I replied that I was thinking of going to Santa Cruz to hang out with some girl friends of mine and thats when he asked. He asked me to see a movie with him and my mind kind of blanked. I hadn't really thought about him as being something beyond friends...heck I didn't even know his last name or age or really anything about him besides the fact that he had a dog. So, me being me said yes because he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and I thought 'why not?'. Well, I just got back from that date and I've been pondering some questions.

These are the things I'm questioning:

During the movie, he put his arm around me and kept it there for the entire movie. He did the whole yawn thing too! I had to give him credit, but I feel like how was I supposed to maneuver out of it without totally embarrassing him/ rejecting him? I know I can't have it both ways, but it was the first date?! I felt a bit pressured to be more interested in him than I was. It got a bit awkward when after the movie we grabbed a drink at this new pub and as our conversation started to dwindle a bit, he put his hand on mine. I was like 'Oh my god...ugh what do I do?! This is only our first date. I don't really known you and you want to start acting like we're a couple?!' So, I got my hand out somehow and then he put his arm around me and I really couldn't reject him there at the pub with so many people around! I known that by my not rejecting his arm, I may be leading him on, but I did try to sneak in a story about a friend of mine who thinks that first dates are immediately relationships. I told him that I thought first dates were a kind of getting to know you and not a lets be together forever event.

Is it bad that at the bar I was glancing at other guys and thinking that I would like to be talking to them? John is a nice cute guy, but some of those guys at the bar were just lust-worthy and I'm pretty sure that I do not want a relationship at the moment. Especially since I will be moving back to So-Cal.

So, what I'm thinking is that I need to tell John that I am not looking for a relationship, but I'm not sure if I should keep hanging out with him and potentially lead him on or just cut it off and be like lets be friends....Or am I completely sabotaging myself by not letting myself feel something more for a guy I have a lot in common with...Am I supposed to try to be something more with someone that who I get along with or do I cut my losses after a less than "exciting" first date? I think he is a cool guy and deserves a second look, but how do you go about telling a guy that this second date is just a second take to see if you are interested?...

Waiting for the bus

photo by Sean Davis


I had my book out to read, but I think writing will better occupy my time before my bus arrives. I am sitting outside Village Bakery at the corner of H and 2nd st. I like the people here. I don't know them, but I like them. There is the learned older lady with her aged dog content with laying by his owners legs. There are the old friends enjoying their lunch breaks who are laughing at something a mutual friend told her husband. There is this longer young man sitting with his headphones in watching the people at the Amtrak station. Hes probably not listening to music. That is something I would do. A gust of wind just blew tossing leaves around my feet just as two new people enter the small corner place of food worship. When I had first passed this place, I looked into the store front, having never gone in, and saw some delicious looking pastries. An older gentleman with grey just near his ears peered in, just as I had, and continued walking. I bet he will walk back after deeming other eateries in downtown to be unsuitable and will begin to pray to the Village Bakery gods. I would have done the same were I religious person.

Tidal Wave

I honestly don't often understand poetry. I guess its because I don't have the tools to dissect their uses of literary devices, but, if I did have the tools, I don't think I would care enough to take the time to do so. I'm not saying that poetry isn't an art form of value, but I like things said straight out, no games, or hidden meanings. Give it to me straight. I can handle it. And if I can't...well then I'll write my own poetry about it.

So here is a poem, that really wasn't something I intended to write. I don't even know if it can be considered a poem. It doesn't employ stylish techniques, but I think it does give justice to something that happened years ago. Something that I guess just hasn't left me.

(It was possibly brought out of me because I was asked on a date, which I will be going on this coming Friday)


Step-dad. there is nothing to say
except that it hurt
when you left
years of you
one minute to your car
and a lifetime of nothing
you are the father of my fear

Mom. she broke down into
a stream of tears
and I couldn't swim
there was no one else to
keep her afloat
and every so often I sprung a leak


Me. Eventually I did it.
My anxiety left, when I learned to swim.
But, so did my confidence and trust
in anyone who could induce such a tidal wave.

Loathing Fear in Davis...not Las Vegas

I'm siting here trying to decide whats been on my mind this week. By writing what has been plaguing me, I will be able to put it into the past or even be able to have a different perspective on the situation. I don't exactly have an exact situation right now, but more of a life situation that I knew was coming, but that I've held off fully dealing with.

I just picked up my graduation tickets. My COLLEGE graduation tickets. Its weird because the guy that gave me the tickets at the pick-up office told me 'Congratulations' and in my head I was thinking, 'I didn't really do anything...'. I have been in college for four years and 3 months and what do I have to show for it? Lousy grades, some new friends, a different hairstyle, DEBT up the wazzoo?! I know in my previous blog I wrote that I am on the right path. I still truely believe that. I was meant to be forced to finally examine my situation. There is a lesson here. I am supposed to get passed this. I am just scared. I fear what will happen when I delve into what these past four years will do for the rest of my life. I'm scared to find that I am no better than the person who sat on their couch right after high school and did nothing. I'm scared that I will not be able to be extraordinary which is something I want to be. Its something that I feel like my family expects from me. I think my personality is pretty awesome and I have a lot of love and life experiences to share, but the real world won't immediately see these things. What they will see is my resume and right now its probably worth less than the paper that its printed on. I have hidden behind my easy going nature for such a long time that I've convinced myself that any difficult situation that triggers stress is something not be fully dealt with. Everyone used to wonder why I wasn't stressed over a test. Usually the test was something like an Organic Chemistry midterm. The answer was that I had convinced myself that the test wasn't going to be so hard, that I was going to be able to at least pass the test. My grade standards for myself dropped from an A in high school to a C. I created this whole big head personality about myself that I bought into it and convinced myself that I was so smart that I could study the night before and do just as well as the other people who had spent a week studying. My inflated head grew because a lot of the time that was true, especially in my freshman year and then I just continued with this false image of myself and it got me into trouble. If you look at my grades from freshman year till now you see a bit of a fluctuating curve. I didn't get bad grades because the class was hard, but because I had told myself that the class didn't matter and that I would be able to handle them. I did this out of fear of finding myself inept. I feared trying and failing. So when I tried very little and passed, I took that as a sign that if I had put more effort I could have gotten an A. The possibility of getting an A was just as good as actually get an A. Pathetic right? I guess that is my real fear. I fear finding myself inept at things I believe I should be good at, so I settle for being average in fear of failing at being extraordinary. I fear disappointing my family by not succeeding in terms of finding a job or continuing school. I fear having to live of others.

I always try to let love be the basis of my life, but writing this blog I realized that fear is just as strong a factor. I once heard on one the movies/tv shows that I've watched that you know you need to do something if you are scared to do it. I was scared to tell one of my best friends about my losing my virginity, but I told her and she said, 'I'm not surprised'. HER response surprised me! I was convinced she would judge me, and when she didn't, I couldn't help but laugh. So, perhaps this advice is true. If you fear doing something, you know for sure that its what you should be doing. I'm not saying that being scared of jumping off a cliff is a sign that you should jump, but maybe the fear is there because you have to realize that death is not something to be scared of and that injury just means that you will have a cool story to tell. I need to move past this fear so I will have a cool story to tell. Hopefully it will be one of success. Hopefully.

And the Wheel of Fortune turns....

Its weird how fast things can change. As an Anthropology major, I have come to understand 'deep' time and how humans have only been on earth for a blip in time. My life is like an eye lash blowing in the wind or you could insert some other small thing in a big place reference. Last year, I was a girl lost. I was super confused about love, friends, and my own sexuality, but within the time span of a few months, I have gained such a conviction about life that has me on my rightful path. I still don't know exactly what that path is, but, I know I'm on it because I am learning and I don't feel like I'm fighting an upstream battle to get there. Things are falling in to place. I learned more about my personality and how I interact with people while I was in Australia. I ventured out and did something crazy when I went skinny dipping with a girlfriend of mine at the beach. I have kissed guys without contemplating a relationship. My old high school adviser who I am friends with has always told me to 'taste flavors', meaning to kiss a lot of frogs, and I used to have a mental block about it. I've finally learned that a kiss is not the end all be all. Actually I've learned that sex is the same way, but I'm going to be choosy about who I sleep with because I've also learned that the intimacy of sex lingers with you. I can absolutely see how easily it would be to give your heart away. If I didn't know my friend who I slept with so well... I could have been in serious trouble. He is absolutely not someone I want to be anything more that just friends with. So back to my list... I've learned that I'm capable of being caught up in lust...which is something I wasn't sure I could do. Honestly, for the longest time I was feeling like I would never feel any kind of spark. I say this because I have kissed guys and I never got swept up like I did with Greg. My friend Caitlynn says that now it will be easier for me to be intimate with someone else when the time comes. I'm pretty sure shes right.

These things may seem a bit teenager-ish, but I've kind of prolonged theses experiences and it was about time I grew up and joined the adult world...or well at least partially. I am 22. I'm excited about life. Whatever comes, I know that I can face it. With my hippy love for life and a smile, I will be me and that is enough.

V-Card Exchange rate

For years I have been talking to my girlfriends about how they lost their virginity and from their stories I had decided to wait to have sex until I was in a committed relationship. To me being in a committed relationship meant that I wouldn't be losing my V-card to a stranger and that I would feel comfortable and secure. I was planning on waiting. I have had opportunities to lose it but I never felt comfortable enough...till this weekend and no I'm not in a relationship. It happened with one of my best friends. I got drunk at a party and once I got taken home my friend asked to come over to hang out. I've known him since my first year in college and I lived with him for a few years. The last party we had at our apartment...we had almost kissed. So he showed up a little after I got home, and we talked about our curiosity for each other. We started kissing and then one thing led to another and there we are on the floor in my hallway. (I couldn't go to my room because I share a room. Also, everyone was asleep so there was only a small chance of getting caught.) After, I was completely shocked, but I was very happy that I had lost my virginity to someone I loved (as a friend) and who I felt completely comfortable with. I was lucky. I had a fun, exciting experience and I have no regrets. A couple nights later...we did it again sober. It was even better.

One's V-card varies in value for every girl. And, depending on the country you're from so does the exchange rate. I hope that girls today wait to have sex until they are with someone who treats them right and who will not be in and out of their life. Only cash in your V-Card if the exchange rate is right.

Modern Evolution and you

I have been thinking about evolution a lot lately, perhaps because I am taking an Introduction to Evolution class or perhaps because I am graduating this quarter and I've been thinking about how I've changed since starting college. Either way, I'm wondering in what ways are humans evolving today? Sure there are the physical ways such as lactose tolerance and sickle cell anemia, but I was thinking about the evolution of thought. We all change our thought processes from the time that we were infants to the period just before we pass away because we are always learning, but are these thoughts different from those that previous generations had? If so does this change of thought cause recent generations to act differently and if so is this considered a phenotype on which natural selection can act. Can the manifestations of our collective thoughts cause thought processes to evolve from generation to generation? I guess I'm wondering if thoughts can be a phenotype on which natural selection can act. If so, then what are the selection pressures that humans face? Of course there would be different selection pressures felt by different populations, but with the growing uniformity in culture, what pressures are felt by humans as a singular species?

Take technology for example. It is continuously adapting and in a way evolving because there are heavy selection pressures placed on the phenotypic/expressed variants that are produced by different engineers who's thoughts, like genes, dictated what the were to become. The ones that are best suited for the their environment succeed and get worked on further and the engineers who created the product pass on their thoughts to the next generation of engineers. Would the manifestation of thoughts, in this case technologies like the iPad, be considered heritable to the next generation of engineers? Natural selection doesn't act on individuals, but humans do evolve in their thoughts and that does correlate to how they act. Those actions in turn affect the next generation and how they think and then act in response to those thoughts. So is natural selection working on society as a whole? Thoughts being the genes and the action those thoughts create being the phenotype.

For example:

I am a fourth generation Mexican American. When I look at how my grandmother viewed marriage when she got married at the age of 17 and compare her thoughts to my mothers when she got married at 19, and then further compare them to my own now at the age of 22, I can see how their thoughts and actions have influenced my own views about marriage which directly resulted in why I did not marry at a younger age than I am now.
My grandmother married my grandpa because she wanted out of her house and my grandpa was the one that could give her that the quickest. My mother wanted a family of her own and so married my father because he asked her to marry him first. Of course there is love mixed into those equations which is a variable that I can't take into account because I don't think its something that evolves from generation to generation, but my point is that they had reasons to say yes to marriage excluding those of love. Now, I myself have heard these stories and their reasoning several times in my life and have concluded that what I want is to find a partner and am willing to wait to marry no matter what age this occurs or even if it occurs. Now what I'm wondering is whether or not my views on marriage are the result of my family's thoughts evolving from generation to generation...

You can say that my thoughts are different than theirs because we all grew up in different environments, but aren't our homes and social environments the manifestations of evolved thought?

Jump start my kaleidoscope heart

I feel pretty pathetic. Is it weird for me to be embarrassed that I am a 22 year old woman who has never had a boyfriend...well, not counting David T. in 4th grade?! To be honest, I kind of feel like I'll never meet someone. My mom is always going on that it will happen when I least expect it. I doubt that. I am too in my head to let anything go unexpected. My head is literally filled with scenarios between myself and guy friends. From booty calls to marriage, I have thought about these things with nearly every guy I meet. Its not that I'm actually interested in every guy romantically. Its just that in my head I'm thinking 'could this guy maybe one day be someone to love?' And, when I think about love I think about super shared intimacy sorts of things. Body & Soul. I don't share those things easily and I have to be able to picture myself doing such things. So far, there have been few guys that I think I could do it with. Sure, I've wanted to just call up a guy friend have have a little fling with no drama...like a one time thing, but then I would be going against myself and would probably end up feeling sick with guilt. I think I've said this before in a previous entry, but I am not a prude. I just don't want to share parts of myself with just anyone. I don't want to become connected to someone who I don't think is worthy. That sounded kind of 'high and mighty' but shouldn't I think of myself as 'worth it'? I am still in the process of trying to see myself as such and I guess its a good thing that I am not trying to jump into a relationship. Loving yourself is really kind of a hard thing to do. I guess I need to jump start my own heart, before I can be driven.

Confusion?! Oh how I wish...

I can't sleep. What else is new?...Tonight my insomnia is not caused by back to back episodes of some TV show. Tonight it is caused by my thoughts on my sexuality. Let me give you a little background as to how I've spent the past two weeks. Finals and than the end of school has placed a lot of pressure and stress. Add to this volatile mixture the added bonus of stressing over money and how my study abroad trip to Australia is going to be funded. I have never been so eaten up internally before. I felt like yelling, but I couldn't because then my friends would see that I was a silent wreck and I hate being a burden on anyone. I have never felt so physically sick from stress in my life. Usually my stress is never on this level. Usually I let things flow and I hardly ever become a wreck over things. These past two weeks have been hell. Now, here is the kicker. I am notorious for becoming addicted to television series when I should be doing other more important things. I am really kind of ashamed of myself for the number of shows I have watched in a three month period. Its grotesque, but strangely beautiful as many truly grotesque things are. The show that occupied my mind, heart and soul these past two weeks has been the lesbian HBO show 'The L Word.' I forgot my initial reason for starting the show, but I became immediately hooked on these characters and their lives. Their friendships were the thing that I loved the most. Loyal, open and supportive are things that I hope to bring to a friendship in my own life and to see my hopes and dreams reflected on my computer screen was amazing. I have never had friendships that open and accepting in my life. I can only think of one friend at the moment who I would want to call if I hooked up with someone or just to tell them something funny I heard. To me the idea of telling her things about my life would be fun and I have never felt any judgment from her. I wish I had more friend like that around me right now. The friends that I have who are supposed to be my best friends just wouldn't understand what is going on in my mind. I feel like if I told them, they would probably freak out or try to explain it and just basically not be friends who I would feel comfortable opening up to. I am pretty confident I need new friends. I love my old ones but I am just not mentally with them anymore. I want to go somewhere where everything is open and where I feel at home. This is just not my home anymore.So here is what I have been thinking. When I was little I had several crushes on boys, but after watching the L word and reflecting on my own responses to seeing a beautiful woman and now I'm a bit confused. I don't think I'm a lesbian. I had never wanted to be in a relationship with a woman, but this show has actually made me start thinking about it. I get a little awkward around women who I think are pretty and I find myself trying not to make my awkwardness noticeable because I fear coming across as lesbian. I am not the least bit homophobic or anti-gay. I hate that people still can't be accepting of their fellow humans. So yeah... back to my thoughts on possibly being a lesbian. I've been thinking that it would be comfortable, sensual and intimate if I ever were to be with a woman sexually. I have had thoughts about possibly kissing women before, but the show just made me realize how beautiful and amazing women are. I feel like men are dime a dozen and women are just incredibly precious and rare. Maybe I'm just a closet feminist and I fear being more of an advocate because my friends would think I was weird...thats something to consider I guess...I'm confused. I think I lean more toward being heterosexual and in the end I will likely be in a straight relationship. I guess I'm confused about women because I haven't been with many men. I have only kissed four guys in my life and I have only made out with one. When I was with Albe, I didn't feel a spark. Was I supposed to because he was a guy? IDK. But thats what I'm looking for. I want a spark. I want to feel that rush of attraction and desire. I want to feel like I could lose myself in someone. I have never felt like that and I think it is adding to my confusion. I mean, I've never felt that way about a woman either, and I guess I can imagine it more realistically with a man, but who knows? I sure don't. I wish I had someone to talk to about these thoughts. Usually I would speak them out loud and try to hear what messages my spirit guides can get to me, but my roommate is home tonight so I opted for writing a blog entry. Writing is so therapeutic. Who the hell cares that I'm the only one who has viewed my blog. I'm putting my words out in public and it makes me feel like I have that friendship that is supportive and loyal and nonjudgmental. Maybe I should just go to sleep. Being human is hard.

About a Web

Countless strangers have passed you, and never once spied your grace
A tether between two surfaces you billow with the strength of steel cables
You once played host to a creature of Octo-stealth
Now, alone you are
One day you will gather too much dust and fall to your most certain doom
But, until then, let me say,
I have seen you
I respect your might and determination
You are natures miracle thread

I want love

I fall into these slumps sometimes. In fact I'm trying to find my way out of one right now. It starts out finding a show that has several seasons. I become so addicted to the show that I plow through one after the other one by one for about a week until the entire show is finished. I am useless until I finish the entire show. Why do I do this? I ask myself that question all the time. I think the answer has several parts to it. I'm not the kind of girl to go out and create drama. I love attention, but I'm slow to seek it. I'm quiet unless I have something to say or am trying to make people feel at ease. I love getting lost in a story. The beat of my heart as the two main characters can't live without each other. I am in love with love, but I can't find it anywhere. Well, thats not exactly true. I feel love from God, my angels and my spirit guides. I know my family loves me and I love them. I love my friends and even strangers. I am around love all day everyday, but I've never been in love and had it returned. Being a 21 going on 22 year old, this saddens me. Sure I've dated. I've 'made out' and dirty danced, but my toes have never curled up in though of being with someone whether intimately or just sitting next to them waiting for the bus. Is that a fairy tale type wish? I guess I really wouldn't know. I have no role models when it comes to love. My mother has been unlucky in love many times. I'm afraid she loses herself each time. I wish I still saw my mom as all knowing and all conquering. When you see your mom as just another person as confused as you...you ask the question is life really worth it? I already know the answer to this question despite my lack of knowledge in other areas of life. Of course life is worth it. There are so many lessons to learn and I guess love is one of them. Sometimes I think there will never be anyone to love me the way women are loved in movies. I've never felt it. I want to feel it. That loving gaze that sends chills down my spine and makes me smile that secret smile.Knowing that hes yours and your his. I try to stay hopeful.I try to get out of these slumps that make me want to write all this. I know life isn't easy and that other peoples lives just can't be compared to one another, but...I'm tired of waiting.

Astral Travel

I am spiritual person. There are these shows on Blogtalkradio.com where psychics and mediums have shows. The purpose of these shows are often to give readings for free, but some provide meditations and other teachings. Tonight I was listening to a show by this woman named Marisa Ryan. She is a psychic medium and during her hour show she lead an astral travel meditation. After the relaxation part I traveled toward a light and when I reached the light I ended up in this park with these dirt gravel path. Around me there was a well groomed lawn and shady trees. On my left there was a river flowing in a canal. On my right there were buildings. I walked down this path and on my right again between two buildings was a space with this iron fence that opened up into a garden with a brick path and a fountain in the center. Flowers and green plants created walk ways. Further to the right of the garden there was a bench. This bench was structurally iron with redwood planks. I sat down and waited and asked my dad to join me. My father died when I was a baby. I was only 3 months old when he passed away, and when he was walking toward me he was young. He sat down next to me. And I immediately felt like a little girl and sat in his lap. I felt him hugging me and rocking me. I started to tear up and cry. I had asked him if he was proud of me, and he said yes. Then I invited Clara, and my great grandmother and Mrs Oliver, but my dad was clearer. It felt good to be in his company. It was such a good experience.

Why do I do the things I do?

I ask myself this question a lot. It tends to happen after I have procrastinated writing a paper or after I have said something I shouldn't have. I figure that by being "me" I allow for myself to get into situations in which I have to get myself out of. The only problem is is that I do this all the time and I haven't seemed to have learned from past mistakes. So, again and again this question is on my mind. I frustrate myself more than any other person does...I find myself pathetic very frequently. I mean, I love myself. Whole heartedly. I just drive myself insane!

For example:

I hear my alarm go off. I know I have get up because I have class. I went to bed at 2am and I have to get up at 8am to get ready for class. I say to myself "Get UP you lazy ass!!!" But, then I think "you can sleep in a little bit longer and just forfeit makeup"...I hit the snooze button, climb into bed and sleep for another 15 minutes. The alarm goes off again. I tell myself "well my professor posts the lecture...I can sleep in till 11am." This may not be a problem if I did it once, but this happens frequently...

Now I'm up at 215 am watching TV shows online, because I am neither tired nor feeling inclined to lie down and try to fall asleep...

Deep sense of knowing

One day I will be helping people. I know it, and tonight someone I don't know acknowledged that they too see that I will be helping people. I'm feeling really good. It was like a confirmation for me that what I feel is incredibly valid. I am just very thankful to God, my angels and my guides for guiding me towards meeting people who I can learn so much from. Tonight was a good night. I'm learning a lot on the Earth School. I have a long way to go, but I am so excited for the journey.

Friends

Learning is really hard. Its hard being Human. Its hard to feel emotions that sweep you into a frenzy or that subdue you when you would rather jump and leap for joy. Sometimes there just isn't that option of feeling the way you want to feel. Sometimes there are chemicals called hormones that can make you feel depressed or in love. For some time now I have been thinking about the body and its cells. Many people, who don't know much about cells, think that everything that the body does is dictated by the DNA housed in the nucleus. For the most part, that is true, the DNA is composed of nucleotides arranged in specific orders that are blueprints to produce proteins that make and do everything. During cell differentiation, when a zygote is developing, cells made to produce only certain proteins in certain areas of a body. But, how do they know when to make the proteins? Because you do not want you body to waste energy and make proteins that you do not need, the environment that the cell is in dictates what it is supposed to make. Therefore you can create an environment for yourself, mentally and it can manifest because your "body" does what the environment tells it to.

The reason I wanted to talk about this was because my best friend since 7th grade is feeling depressed. She put so much of her energy and time into trying to get good grades and doing everything else under the sun in order to get into vet school. She got the news some time ago that she was rejected. The life she had created around this goal has left her feeling lost and she is sad and depressed. I am someone who loves their friends a lot and it hurts me to see one of them sad and feeling like they are unable to help themselves. We are in college together and its very hard to fix yourself when you are constantly thinking about your future and why you are spending so much money on something that may not even help you. She plans on reapplying eventually, but she has to figure out what to do until then. She is scared for her future. She is having a hard time looking toward the positive. To top it off her cat is sick and won't eat, and the fish she has to help relieve stress are dying. She found out today that the Betta she has had for about a year, died. Staring at the aquarium glass, she asked "why do I keep killing them?" She asked this of herself. The only response I could give was, "Its not your fault." My answer was there mostly to help me more than her.

I have gone through bouts of depression and anxiety induced panic attacks too when I was in high school, but now that I have this newer perspective on life, I don't know how to help her with out forcing spirituality on her. She is a younger soul and has been hesitant to believe, so I don't bring up the subject with her often. It pains me to see her struggle when its possible for her to not feel as she does.

I need to remember not to give her all my energy or else I will be left out of balance too. Life is hard and I welcome going home, but I know I have more to learn and it excites me.

Fresh Start

Its been a while since I wrote a blog. When I started this thing, I had only really wanted to vent about my frustrations. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know why I was in school. I was loosing my faith in God. I had just wished that someone told me what to do, because I had had enough. Little did I know that some months later I would call a psychic medium and my entire thought process and views on life would completely change. After that 15 minute phone call, I realized that I am a soul. I am a soul that has lived on earth before my life now. I realized that God, angels, and spirit guides are with me. They love me and I love them. In those 15 minutes, I didn't wasn't told anything new per say, I felt illuminated to things I had already known, things I had been feeling. Essentially, I was made aware of a life I had been living but had never acknowledged. Upon realizing this other life, I felt like I finally knew who I was. I found my purpose. I still don't quite know what I'm going to do in the future, but that doesn't bother me as much as it used to. I realized that my life on earth is just my soul going to school to learn how to become less human. Every soul incarnates in order to learn and accomplish tasks. The lessons to be learned and the task to be done are determined by the soul and God before incarnation. Once incarnated, its up to the soul to navigate human emotions and try to learn. If the soul isn't able to do what it set out to do, it must repeat these tasks in another life. The reason why a soul may not complete a task is because of free will. Incarnate souls, especially younger souls, aren't aware that they have help during their life. Spirit guides are souls that accomplished all the goals the were supposed to accomplish and so are worthy enough to help souls that are still learning. Often these are souls, that were once incarnated, appear in Native American, Middle Eastern, or Asian archtypes because these cultures are ancient, and Spirit guides are very old souls. Their purpose is to help you stay on your life's path. By staying on you life's path, you ensure that you don't accumulate bad karma, you experience your good karma from your past lives, you ensure that you don't go through unnecessary struggles, and you life is in balance and you are able to experience love more fully.

I think thats why we are here. I think we are here to love fully those around us just as God loves us. God loves us unconditionally and we should strive to love and be loved unconditionally on earth too.