I'm siting here trying to decide whats been on my mind this week. By writing what has been plaguing me, I will be able to put it into the past or even be able to have a different perspective on the situation. I don't exactly have an exact situation right now, but more of a life situation that I knew was coming, but that I've held off fully dealing with.
I just picked up my graduation tickets. My COLLEGE graduation tickets. Its weird because the guy that gave me the tickets at the pick-up office told me 'Congratulations' and in my head I was thinking, 'I didn't really do anything...'. I have been in college for four years and 3 months and what do I have to show for it? Lousy grades, some new friends, a different hairstyle, DEBT up the wazzoo?! I know in my previous blog I wrote that I am on the right path. I still truely believe that. I was meant to be forced to finally examine my situation. There is a lesson here. I am supposed to get passed this. I am just scared. I fear what will happen when I delve into what these past four years will do for the rest of my life. I'm scared to find that I am no better than the person who sat on their couch right after high school and did nothing. I'm scared that I will not be able to be extraordinary which is something I want to be. Its something that I feel like my family expects from me. I think my personality is pretty awesome and I have a lot of love and life experiences to share, but the real world won't immediately see these things. What they will see is my resume and right now its probably worth less than the paper that its printed on. I have hidden behind my easy going nature for such a long time that I've convinced myself that any difficult situation that triggers stress is something not be fully dealt with. Everyone used to wonder why I wasn't stressed over a test. Usually the test was something like an Organic Chemistry midterm. The answer was that I had convinced myself that the test wasn't going to be so hard, that I was going to be able to at least pass the test. My grade standards for myself dropped from an A in high school to a C. I created this whole big head personality about myself that I bought into it and convinced myself that I was so smart that I could study the night before and do just as well as the other people who had spent a week studying. My inflated head grew because a lot of the time that was true, especially in my freshman year and then I just continued with this false image of myself and it got me into trouble. If you look at my grades from freshman year till now you see a bit of a fluctuating curve. I didn't get bad grades because the class was hard, but because I had told myself that the class didn't matter and that I would be able to handle them. I did this out of fear of finding myself inept. I feared trying and failing. So when I tried very little and passed, I took that as a sign that if I had put more effort I could have gotten an A. The possibility of getting an A was just as good as actually get an A. Pathetic right? I guess that is my real fear. I fear finding myself inept at things I believe I should be good at, so I settle for being average in fear of failing at being extraordinary. I fear disappointing my family by not succeeding in terms of finding a job or continuing school. I fear having to live of others.
I always try to let love be the basis of my life, but writing this blog I realized that fear is just as strong a factor. I once heard on one the movies/tv shows that I've watched that you know you need to do something if you are scared to do it. I was scared to tell one of my best friends about my losing my virginity, but I told her and she said, 'I'm not surprised'. HER response surprised me! I was convinced she would judge me, and when she didn't, I couldn't help but laugh. So, perhaps this advice is true. If you fear doing something, you know for sure that its what you should be doing. I'm not saying that being scared of jumping off a cliff is a sign that you should jump, but maybe the fear is there because you have to realize that death is not something to be scared of and that injury just means that you will have a cool story to tell. I need to move past this fear so I will have a cool story to tell. Hopefully it will be one of success. Hopefully.
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