Year 29

        Year 29. My life so far has been one big lesson in letting go. From zero to my early twenties, I was forced to let go. My dad left the physical world when I was three months old. I could not control this. It had to happen. My stepdad left me when I was 15. I could not control this. It had to happen. My good friend left me with no chance for explanation at 19. I could not control this. It had to happen. However, it was a turning point; I became the one to leave.
      I learned to recognize that feeling when something isn't working and won't change. Practicing having the courage to say, "this is not for me," has been my lesson these past few years and months. Now, in the last year of my twenties, I feel I'm moving into a phase of saying and celebrating what is for me. This involves the lessons in letting go, again, as I shed the identity I've built around myself in favor of exploring the parts of me I haven't had the courage enough to say yes to. I feel I am now learning to let go of my need to control and even justify my actions to myself or others. I am learning to flow and submit to the energy of the universe. It's a letting go, of sorts, but it's also a taking. A taking of that which is already mine. It's finding peace where once was tension. It's taking in each moment as one being given to me to enjoy and grow in.
      These next few years are going to be ones of change. I am empowering myself to live in my purpose unapologetically. It's exciting, exhilarating, and, to be honest, a little scary. I'm setting myself up for failure, but I'm learning that in failure, we are given a chance to understand, and, that garnered wisdom will bring us closer to where we are meant to be. This is what I want. Growth. Change. Me.

Lessons in Dating Someone Who Seems "Right"

I recently forayed back into the world of dating. After taking time to heal from a previous relationship that couldn't be, I met someone who had all the potential to be what I needed, and I was excited. It was new. It was fun. And, because romantic connections with me are rare, someone who matched my humor, efforts, and desires for the future was like a sign lighting up saying, "this is possible!" We felt the most right we've ever felt with another person, and yet it's come to an end. I almost said, "sadly, it's come to an end," but I'm not sad. Bummed about potential not panning out? Yes. Feeling a little guilty over my chosen words? Yes. Sad and regretful? No. I'm processing it all now, and I wanted to share what I've learned. 

So far:

1.)I've learned that hope can cast an illusion around something that has all the appearance of being right, but that energy doesn't lie.

2.) I've learned to be in the moment, but to continue to observe and process what I'm being shown. Specifically, someone's actions and not their words. 

3.) I've learned that I need space to gain understanding about what I'm sensing. 

4.) I've learned how to put into practice the knowledge that boundaries are necessary for growth. 

5.) I've learned how to put into practice the fact that I can rely on my intuition.

I'm sure I'm not done learning these things, but I'm pretty proud of myself for staying true to me, even when it was tempting to stay in an illusion. Anyway, I hope this helps anyone who needs it to think about where they might need to trust in themselves more, set up boundaries for their protection and growth, or to acts as a prod of encouragement to come out from under the guise they choose to wear.

July 28

Woke up from a dream where, because we had papers with my Pop's (Grandpa's) writing, he was able to visit in his physical form for a short time. I had been talking to my grandma in the living room, when I heard his voice from the backrooms and turned to see him walk to me. I ran to him and essentially clung to him while I bawled. At some point later, I was talking to my grandma again, in the dream, and acknowledged that he had to go back, that he couldn't stay. Then, I woke up and attended to my grandma in real life.

I've been fortunate enough to have had dreams like this before about him. They start with his return. My subsequent tear filled breakdown follows. Then, I realize that he can't stay and I wake up.

It makes sense that he'd make an appearance this morning. Today is the anniversary of my dad's passing.  I didn't know my dad. He was taken too young for me to mourn the man, but I do mourn the absence his death caused in my life. I wish I'd known what it was like to have him as a dad. I knew my Pop, though, so I'm grateful that he came back to comfort me like he did so often, when he was here physically. Today, I miss them both. Today, I mourn them both. Today, I am grateful to be loved by them both.

What am I missing?

There's something I'm not seeing. I've been wanting to work towards balance in my life, so that I don't feel like I'm scrambling so much to fix this or do that. I have to stay on top of bills. I have to make sure we have enough supplies for my grandma's care. I have to make sure we have what we need for the house. I need to do laundry, mine and my grandma's. I need to clean the whole house. I need to think about what we're going to do about the dry rotted, the termites, the cracks in the walls. I need to worry about what to do if there's an earthquake, fire, or burgler. I have to worry about having enough money to pay our caregivers. I have to schedule caregivers. I need to go work out. I need to eat better. I need sleep. I need time to myself. I need to...I need to cry because I miss my grandpa. I need to cry because all of this is really hard. I need to cry because I don't have my shit together. And I need to cry because I don't know when this will end. And I don't know what to do when it does. Through all this, something is slipping and I don't know what it is. Maybe it's me.

My Day

I'm not someone who is always busy. You know, those people who can't sit still. I'm not that person. I can stay in one place and be completely happy as long as I have food and the temperature is comfortable. Reading, movies, TV show marathons, staring into space, and even brushing my teeth for longer than the recommended two minutes are things I can just do without much guilt. I like taking my time. I like having the choice to do nothing. And, I can do it with finesse.

While I love that about myself, I'm not always that way. I go through periods of high energy focus that helps me accomplish what it is I actually need to do. I've been this way for a long time. In college, I procrastinated heavily (hence many of my old blog entries) and yet I still graduated. It wasn't until a few months ago after I bought an Etsy psychic reading that put what I had been feeling into words. She said that I went through periods of rest and recharging my energy before deciding my next step and moving forward. She said it was because I was selective of where I put my energy, which is a perfect way to describe my brand of laziness--moving in fits and starts.

After college, I worked for my grandparents for about a year doing cleaning. I slept in. I went to work. I stayed home because I didn't have my license, and I didn't try to go to grad school nor get a real job. In hindsight, and with this new perspective on how I operate, I can see that I was working on pumping myself up to apply for a job at a school. You should know that teaching is something that I love, but that I fear I'm not good enough to be. I mean, I am pretty good at it, but I hold teachers(the good ones) high in my regard and I want to be just like them. Anyway, so it took me a while to put myself out there. When I did, I got a job tutoring. Then, a year later, I worked up the energy to study and pass the test to be a substitute teacher. Through some connections who knew my work and vouched for me, I got a position doing reading tutoring at an elementary school, and that's where I've been working and learning for the past three years, and where I plan to be next year with some minor changes. I'll explain those changes another time. My point in covering these tendencies of rest and then forward movement, is because I wanted to tell you about my day.

Today felt like a big move forward. My goal and mindset, right now, is to work on finding a balance between my responsibilities as my grandma's caregiver, and my responsibilities to myself. For a year now, I've taken the backseat in my life. My grandma was my priority. Her care took precidence and I occasionally went places and did things, but I didn't actually try to help myself. Going back to the balance bit, I have found myself organizing paperwork, so that I no longer feel guilty about it. I find myself cleaning the house, so I know it's taken care of and done well. I made time to go sign up for 10 weeks of unlimited work outs from hell that I can't wait to see results from. (I'm currently sore and my muscles are feeling stiff. Reminder: stretching is helpful) I am choosing to eat better and am on a modified cleanse that is making me feel better in my skin. I go see movies. I have read like 5 books since summer started, and, yes, many of them were audiobooks but that doesn't matter. I made the time to listen and enjoy. Go me!

Well that was a long hiatus!

This blog once served as a way for me to rant, rave, and hope for a sign to point me in the right direction. I started it when I was in college and occasionally shared my thoughts when I was needing an outlet.There wasn't a theme. There wasn't much purpose behind my writing. It was my foray into written attention seeking, before Facebook became where people sought out a larger audience for their whatevers. I use it occasionally when a thought just can't be held back. This year, I've used facebook to sort of tell the story of how I've survived the passing of my grandpa and the subsequent full time caring for my grandmother. It's almost been a year since he passed. So much has changed. I've changed.

Tonight, I won't tell my stories at length. Tonight, I just want to say 'Hi' to whoever comes across this posting. I'll be trying to write a little bit everyday. I'm not sure of the style or the format, but it'll be words. My words. So, thank you for reading.

Hold me

Can we hug. Can we please just hug and breathe each other in. A solid embrace, a face to neck connection. Our arms holding on ever tighter with each surge of awareness that we must soon part. Can we hug. Please.