Confusion?! Oh how I wish...

I can't sleep. What else is new?...Tonight my insomnia is not caused by back to back episodes of some TV show. Tonight it is caused by my thoughts on my sexuality. Let me give you a little background as to how I've spent the past two weeks. Finals and than the end of school has placed a lot of pressure and stress. Add to this volatile mixture the added bonus of stressing over money and how my study abroad trip to Australia is going to be funded. I have never been so eaten up internally before. I felt like yelling, but I couldn't because then my friends would see that I was a silent wreck and I hate being a burden on anyone. I have never felt so physically sick from stress in my life. Usually my stress is never on this level. Usually I let things flow and I hardly ever become a wreck over things. These past two weeks have been hell. Now, here is the kicker. I am notorious for becoming addicted to television series when I should be doing other more important things. I am really kind of ashamed of myself for the number of shows I have watched in a three month period. Its grotesque, but strangely beautiful as many truly grotesque things are. The show that occupied my mind, heart and soul these past two weeks has been the lesbian HBO show 'The L Word.' I forgot my initial reason for starting the show, but I became immediately hooked on these characters and their lives. Their friendships were the thing that I loved the most. Loyal, open and supportive are things that I hope to bring to a friendship in my own life and to see my hopes and dreams reflected on my computer screen was amazing. I have never had friendships that open and accepting in my life. I can only think of one friend at the moment who I would want to call if I hooked up with someone or just to tell them something funny I heard. To me the idea of telling her things about my life would be fun and I have never felt any judgment from her. I wish I had more friend like that around me right now. The friends that I have who are supposed to be my best friends just wouldn't understand what is going on in my mind. I feel like if I told them, they would probably freak out or try to explain it and just basically not be friends who I would feel comfortable opening up to. I am pretty confident I need new friends. I love my old ones but I am just not mentally with them anymore. I want to go somewhere where everything is open and where I feel at home. This is just not my home anymore.So here is what I have been thinking. When I was little I had several crushes on boys, but after watching the L word and reflecting on my own responses to seeing a beautiful woman and now I'm a bit confused. I don't think I'm a lesbian. I had never wanted to be in a relationship with a woman, but this show has actually made me start thinking about it. I get a little awkward around women who I think are pretty and I find myself trying not to make my awkwardness noticeable because I fear coming across as lesbian. I am not the least bit homophobic or anti-gay. I hate that people still can't be accepting of their fellow humans. So yeah... back to my thoughts on possibly being a lesbian. I've been thinking that it would be comfortable, sensual and intimate if I ever were to be with a woman sexually. I have had thoughts about possibly kissing women before, but the show just made me realize how beautiful and amazing women are. I feel like men are dime a dozen and women are just incredibly precious and rare. Maybe I'm just a closet feminist and I fear being more of an advocate because my friends would think I was weird...thats something to consider I guess...I'm confused. I think I lean more toward being heterosexual and in the end I will likely be in a straight relationship. I guess I'm confused about women because I haven't been with many men. I have only kissed four guys in my life and I have only made out with one. When I was with Albe, I didn't feel a spark. Was I supposed to because he was a guy? IDK. But thats what I'm looking for. I want a spark. I want to feel that rush of attraction and desire. I want to feel like I could lose myself in someone. I have never felt like that and I think it is adding to my confusion. I mean, I've never felt that way about a woman either, and I guess I can imagine it more realistically with a man, but who knows? I sure don't. I wish I had someone to talk to about these thoughts. Usually I would speak them out loud and try to hear what messages my spirit guides can get to me, but my roommate is home tonight so I opted for writing a blog entry. Writing is so therapeutic. Who the hell cares that I'm the only one who has viewed my blog. I'm putting my words out in public and it makes me feel like I have that friendship that is supportive and loyal and nonjudgmental. Maybe I should just go to sleep. Being human is hard.