Pondering Change

I've recognized something about myself. I've realized that I want to "be" with guys that I already know I don't want to be in a relationship with. I do this because I know that I'll have better control over my feelings should I ever think myself wanting more from them. I need that control of the situation. Now, I believe that I'm on Earth to learn lessons and to become less and less ruled by human emotions with the point being to learn to love fully. Loving completely and being human is very hard, hence why Earth schooling is so important and why life is hard. So, that being shared, I see my need for control as a lesson or obstacle I will need to get past. It is preventing me from being vulnerable which is the only way I can experience a deep love. Everyone knows that being vulnerable increases ones chances of pain, fear and all these other negative emotions that hold us back, but we have to remember that these emotions are human. They are not stronger than our soul. We don't have to allow them to control us. Of course, this is easier said than done. This struggle is what I recognize being played out in me. I want to let myself be vulnerable and open to love and be loved in return, BUT, I don't want to feel the pain and hurt of loving someone and they losing their love for you. I want to say that my past doesn't rule my present, but everyone's history is present in how they make their decision. My step dad divorced my mom. He divorced me. He divorced our family. It hurt and years later I think the pain has morphed into a need for control. You see, prior to the divorce, I used to lay my heart on the line. I had balls. I told my crush that I liked him and I dealt with the youthful embarrassment that comes with such a revealing act. Since the divorce, I haven't had a crush. And, by crush, I mean someone I could have seen myself happy with. No one has come close to touching my heart.

So, its late and I need to go to sleep. The point of this blog has been to propose a question to myself and to anyone who reads this that feels they can offer insight or anything really that they feel inclined to share. I am wondering if I should continue only getting close to people I know I couldn't ever be with OR should I attempt to force myself to change. By this I mean going against my grain and attempt to expose my heart to pain. I am not really sure how I would do this, but I can see the need for it and I'm wondering if I should try and make that change now. Maybe if I continue looking for meaningless fun, I'll find a meaning...Perhaps I'll learn my lessons by making more "mistakes"...I don't know. I'm just pondering a change.

Christmas lists

My mom texted me today to ask me for my Christmas list. My sister and I used to prepare months in advance for this moment. Collections of toys r' us and target ads were kept by our beds and the Fingerhut catalog was kept in the bathroom for all to enjoy. Making out lists were one of our traditions. Now that we are older and haven't lived at home for more than a month in about five years, things have changed. Our lists really aren't very important. Why? Mostly because I don't really want anything (thought I could use somethings), but also because of money issues. Money pretty much puts a damper on everything so that is the last time I will mention it. So, here is my list for the 2011 Christmas.

This is in no particular order:

1. The Hunger Games Trilogy
2. A carrying case to put all my nail polish
3. New Jeans
4. Victoria Secret gift card
5. Kindle
6. a french press coffee maker
7. new running shoes
8. Be in a Vinyasa Yoga Class
9. My own car
10. A Job
11. Professional looking clothes
12. New Cell Phone
13. Mint tea
14. Money to go snowboarding/skiing
15. Harry Potter Snuggie
16. Brown Boots size 9
17. Red TOMS
18. Amazon Gift Card
19. Women's Health Magazine subscription

Being Erica aka "Best Show in the World"

If you haven't heard of the Canadian show Being Erica, then you are hearing about it now. I just watched the series finale of probably THE best show on television to date.
Centered around Erica Strange, played by actress Erin Karpluck, the show follows the life of a 32 year old woman who hits her low point after losing her job as a telephone sales woman. She is full of regrets and doesn't know what she is doing. One day she eats something she is allergic to and ends up in the hospital where she meets a man called Doctor Tom. Its from this point, that the show starts and never looks back. Doctor Tom guides Erica back in time through her regrets so that she has the opportunity to change them and to move past them. After resolving a regret, she finds that obstacles in her present life are often related to the issue she had to face in her past. This helps her face the present situation with a new perspective making a resolution of her issues attainable. Over the past four seasons of this show, Erica has faced a lot. She had to relive her brothers death; she has dealt with broken hearts; she has lost hope, found hope and she has given hope. Through her life and the lessons she learns, Erica helps her family and friends find happiness too.

I found that every episode seemed to mirror things I was facing in my life. Issues of insecurity, sexuality, love, fear, letting the past determine the future, issues with family and friends and so much more. It represents the life of a woman, nay, the life of any person who just needs help to realize that the life they want is attainable. The show does all this while being sweet, charming, disarming, funny, smart, and, most importantly, relatable. Human lessons at their finest.

My writing about how fabulous this show is just can't do it Being Erica justice. So, watch it for yourself. It doesn't matter if you are a man or woman, gay or straight. This show hits home and I think it can help you to at least see life in a different way. Sometimes a change in perspective is all that is needed.

Lists

Things I would like to be doing:

1. Not procrastinating studying for a final, because I wouldn't have a final.
2. Sleeping with super vivid dreams that contain one or more of the following: sex, flying, famous people, mind reading, being a kick-ass chick crime fighter.
3. Reading the Hunger Games
4. Painting my nails
5. Eating chipotle. especially the lemon salt chips they have
6. Talking to a psychic.
7. Being a psychic/medium.
8. Warm in bed writing this blog.
9. Waxing.

Things I am doing/have been doing instead of studying:

1. Watching 'Kissing Jessica Stein'.
2. Watching youtube videos of Chelsea Lately interviews.
3. Watching Pride and Prejudice (the 2005 version)
4. Write on twitter.
5. Check out Facebook.
6. Stare at the book and lecture notes I should be studying.
7. Come up with potential 'nevertobe' band names: the City of Elsewhere
8. Imagine what it might be like to hookup and/or start a relationship with a guy from back home.
9. Wonder if the things I see out of the corner of my eye are real.


I really like sabotaging myself. ooooooo another band name the Art of Sabotage or the Artful Sabotage

The Musings of a Professional Procrastinator

I should be writing an ethnological paper right now, but, instead, I sit here writing a blog. I've had about 11 hours of sleep in the past 72 hours; my mind is nearly the consistency of melted jello and I want nothing more than to watch the Kiera Knightly version of Pride and Prejudice while I fall asleep. (Reminder to self: Put picture of Mr. Darcy, both versions, on pinterest board for 'Guys I would love to love.')

Right now it is 1:42 am in California and my paper is due in hard copy for at 6pm today. It is supposed to be little more than 10 pages, include references to books and articles I haven't read, and examine the research I have done little of. Its times like these that have defined my time in college. The late nights/all nighters that amount to little more than a greater knowledge of how to waste time and look disheveled doing it. Oh, the life of a single twenty something gal. I'm kind of a professional when it comes to wasting time. I've been doing it since I was little. Example: When I my mother asked me to do chores, I would invent new games, speak with accents that were all the same, decide which laugh (I can do a lot of them) was best,

throw my dolls birthday parties because I was scared they would come to life and hurt me for how I used to treat them, go to my neighbors house down the street and pretend to speak Spanish to their little Mexican girl neighbor (I am Mexican, 4th generation so I don't speak Spanish), but I would eventually go home clean and do the best f-ing job at it and my mom never gave me too much crap for putting off the inevitable. Things haven't changed. I wouldn't say that my paper will be the best f-ing paper ever, but it will hopefully sound smart. I am pretty darn good at sounding smart. Big words, especially scientific ones, are my friends and defensive line backers when ever I feel threatened or inadequate. So, on average, I sound like a mix between Mumble McMumblekins and a lady Morgan Freeman.

I am actually thinking of looking into doing voice over work once I graduate and move back home and get my drivers license and explain to everyone that I am working on applying to grad school. Voice work has always been a dream of mine ever since I used to practice the most annoying sound in the world (raise your hands if you know that reference). I have a lot of friends that have Hollywood connections...so who knows, you could one day hear my voice be the new voice of feminine itch relief products. I actually think that would be pretty sweet. So its pretty late. My feets is freezing and I should really start my paper. Hmmmm...perhaps its a good time to look up youtube tutorials on how to apply make-up so I can hide the purple rings under my eyes!

A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy” – by Yashar Ali

This is so messed up and completely true. My mom's boyfriend does it to her and it pisses me off that she can't see it. And, if I bring it up, she'll think I just don't accept her choice in men. Nobody, woman or man, should be made to feel degraded in their value. A Message to Women From a Man: You Are Not “Crazy” – by Yashar Ali