Clocks are ticking

Its almost time. A week from this Saturday I will be graduating. My family will be descending upon my college town prepared to take pictures, whistle, clap and show me how proud they are of my achievements. I graduate the day after I take my last final in college. I graduate after three hard tests and a ten page paper. I graduate after a fall quarter of new beginnings. I graduate after four full years of failings and passings. I am so ready to graduate. I am so ready to move on. To be able to begin my life and to have the opportunity to use what I have learned over my time in college is something I anticipate. I know I'm in for the tough realities of life outside of Uni, but to me those struggles will bring me closer to completing my Earth schooling. I know I will be okay no matter what adventures I go on because I know that all roads lead home.

But, until then, I am stressed. I am tired and I probably look like crap. There is still so much to do before I'm done here.

All the Single Ladies - The Atlantic

This article is a bit long but it is smart and so relative to my life right now. I'm sure its something every woman no matter their relationship status can relate to. I finished reading this with a smile on my face and with a sense of understanding about what its like to be a single woman in today's society. There is a lot to be learned and this article has brought me closer to enlightenment. All the Single Ladies - The Atlantic

Jimmie Durante's voice is like a deep voiced angel fell from heaven and sang love songs

When did first dates start to feel so pressured?

What do you do when you've had a first date and the guys is obviously more interested in you than you are with him?

Tonight I went out with my neighbor who I'll call John. So John lives in the apartment next to me and I met him while taking my housemates dog out to go potty/walk. He has a dog and we conversed about them maybe about 4 or 5 times. Hes nice and our conversations were never awkward. They were comfortable. Or..well I guess I never really paid them any mind, so to me they were just a friendly thing. I should have known that when he started asking me more questions about me and what I liked to do that he was interested. So last Monday, we were both outside with the dogs (randomly) and he asks me what my weekend schedule is like. I replied that I was thinking of going to Santa Cruz to hang out with some girl friends of mine and thats when he asked. He asked me to see a movie with him and my mind kind of blanked. I hadn't really thought about him as being something beyond friends...heck I didn't even know his last name or age or really anything about him besides the fact that he had a dog. So, me being me said yes because he seemed like a genuinely nice guy and I thought 'why not?'. Well, I just got back from that date and I've been pondering some questions.

These are the things I'm questioning:

During the movie, he put his arm around me and kept it there for the entire movie. He did the whole yawn thing too! I had to give him credit, but I feel like how was I supposed to maneuver out of it without totally embarrassing him/ rejecting him? I know I can't have it both ways, but it was the first date?! I felt a bit pressured to be more interested in him than I was. It got a bit awkward when after the movie we grabbed a drink at this new pub and as our conversation started to dwindle a bit, he put his hand on mine. I was like 'Oh my god...ugh what do I do?! This is only our first date. I don't really known you and you want to start acting like we're a couple?!' So, I got my hand out somehow and then he put his arm around me and I really couldn't reject him there at the pub with so many people around! I known that by my not rejecting his arm, I may be leading him on, but I did try to sneak in a story about a friend of mine who thinks that first dates are immediately relationships. I told him that I thought first dates were a kind of getting to know you and not a lets be together forever event.

Is it bad that at the bar I was glancing at other guys and thinking that I would like to be talking to them? John is a nice cute guy, but some of those guys at the bar were just lust-worthy and I'm pretty sure that I do not want a relationship at the moment. Especially since I will be moving back to So-Cal.

So, what I'm thinking is that I need to tell John that I am not looking for a relationship, but I'm not sure if I should keep hanging out with him and potentially lead him on or just cut it off and be like lets be friends....Or am I completely sabotaging myself by not letting myself feel something more for a guy I have a lot in common with...Am I supposed to try to be something more with someone that who I get along with or do I cut my losses after a less than "exciting" first date? I think he is a cool guy and deserves a second look, but how do you go about telling a guy that this second date is just a second take to see if you are interested?...

Waiting for the bus

photo by Sean Davis


I had my book out to read, but I think writing will better occupy my time before my bus arrives. I am sitting outside Village Bakery at the corner of H and 2nd st. I like the people here. I don't know them, but I like them. There is the learned older lady with her aged dog content with laying by his owners legs. There are the old friends enjoying their lunch breaks who are laughing at something a mutual friend told her husband. There is this longer young man sitting with his headphones in watching the people at the Amtrak station. Hes probably not listening to music. That is something I would do. A gust of wind just blew tossing leaves around my feet just as two new people enter the small corner place of food worship. When I had first passed this place, I looked into the store front, having never gone in, and saw some delicious looking pastries. An older gentleman with grey just near his ears peered in, just as I had, and continued walking. I bet he will walk back after deeming other eateries in downtown to be unsuitable and will begin to pray to the Village Bakery gods. I would have done the same were I religious person.

Tidal Wave

I honestly don't often understand poetry. I guess its because I don't have the tools to dissect their uses of literary devices, but, if I did have the tools, I don't think I would care enough to take the time to do so. I'm not saying that poetry isn't an art form of value, but I like things said straight out, no games, or hidden meanings. Give it to me straight. I can handle it. And if I can't...well then I'll write my own poetry about it.

So here is a poem, that really wasn't something I intended to write. I don't even know if it can be considered a poem. It doesn't employ stylish techniques, but I think it does give justice to something that happened years ago. Something that I guess just hasn't left me.

(It was possibly brought out of me because I was asked on a date, which I will be going on this coming Friday)


Step-dad. there is nothing to say
except that it hurt
when you left
years of you
one minute to your car
and a lifetime of nothing
you are the father of my fear

Mom. she broke down into
a stream of tears
and I couldn't swim
there was no one else to
keep her afloat
and every so often I sprung a leak


Me. Eventually I did it.
My anxiety left, when I learned to swim.
But, so did my confidence and trust
in anyone who could induce such a tidal wave.

Loathing Fear in Davis...not Las Vegas

I'm siting here trying to decide whats been on my mind this week. By writing what has been plaguing me, I will be able to put it into the past or even be able to have a different perspective on the situation. I don't exactly have an exact situation right now, but more of a life situation that I knew was coming, but that I've held off fully dealing with.

I just picked up my graduation tickets. My COLLEGE graduation tickets. Its weird because the guy that gave me the tickets at the pick-up office told me 'Congratulations' and in my head I was thinking, 'I didn't really do anything...'. I have been in college for four years and 3 months and what do I have to show for it? Lousy grades, some new friends, a different hairstyle, DEBT up the wazzoo?! I know in my previous blog I wrote that I am on the right path. I still truely believe that. I was meant to be forced to finally examine my situation. There is a lesson here. I am supposed to get passed this. I am just scared. I fear what will happen when I delve into what these past four years will do for the rest of my life. I'm scared to find that I am no better than the person who sat on their couch right after high school and did nothing. I'm scared that I will not be able to be extraordinary which is something I want to be. Its something that I feel like my family expects from me. I think my personality is pretty awesome and I have a lot of love and life experiences to share, but the real world won't immediately see these things. What they will see is my resume and right now its probably worth less than the paper that its printed on. I have hidden behind my easy going nature for such a long time that I've convinced myself that any difficult situation that triggers stress is something not be fully dealt with. Everyone used to wonder why I wasn't stressed over a test. Usually the test was something like an Organic Chemistry midterm. The answer was that I had convinced myself that the test wasn't going to be so hard, that I was going to be able to at least pass the test. My grade standards for myself dropped from an A in high school to a C. I created this whole big head personality about myself that I bought into it and convinced myself that I was so smart that I could study the night before and do just as well as the other people who had spent a week studying. My inflated head grew because a lot of the time that was true, especially in my freshman year and then I just continued with this false image of myself and it got me into trouble. If you look at my grades from freshman year till now you see a bit of a fluctuating curve. I didn't get bad grades because the class was hard, but because I had told myself that the class didn't matter and that I would be able to handle them. I did this out of fear of finding myself inept. I feared trying and failing. So when I tried very little and passed, I took that as a sign that if I had put more effort I could have gotten an A. The possibility of getting an A was just as good as actually get an A. Pathetic right? I guess that is my real fear. I fear finding myself inept at things I believe I should be good at, so I settle for being average in fear of failing at being extraordinary. I fear disappointing my family by not succeeding in terms of finding a job or continuing school. I fear having to live of others.

I always try to let love be the basis of my life, but writing this blog I realized that fear is just as strong a factor. I once heard on one the movies/tv shows that I've watched that you know you need to do something if you are scared to do it. I was scared to tell one of my best friends about my losing my virginity, but I told her and she said, 'I'm not surprised'. HER response surprised me! I was convinced she would judge me, and when she didn't, I couldn't help but laugh. So, perhaps this advice is true. If you fear doing something, you know for sure that its what you should be doing. I'm not saying that being scared of jumping off a cliff is a sign that you should jump, but maybe the fear is there because you have to realize that death is not something to be scared of and that injury just means that you will have a cool story to tell. I need to move past this fear so I will have a cool story to tell. Hopefully it will be one of success. Hopefully.