Hold me

Can we hug. Can we please just hug and breathe each other in. A solid embrace, a face to neck connection. Our arms holding on ever tighter with each surge of awareness that we must soon part. Can we hug. Please.

Big men, Gingers, and questions

You open yourself to the universe and in flows this stream of opportunities. I have to ask myself, “Am I ready for this tide?” Apparently the Universe thinks I am. So, what do I do? Do I cast a shadow over everything and stick to what I've experienced and find comforting even if I know there is more? Or, do I keep the flood gates open to see what comes my way? I’m not one to spread myself too thin. I don’t enjoy talking to a lot of guys. This is especially true if I am interested in a specific someone. Right now, I can’t help but still be in love with HIM. No, not Jesus. The HIM to whom I refer is the first man I have ever expressed romantic love for--my tall big bearded man. Honestly, I’m not sure if my heart is holding on because I am supposed to wait for him, or my mind is holding on because it is afraid to let go. I put someone before my big man, before. The ginger was a surprise. He asked me out only a few short hours after my big man cleansing walk where I said that enough was enough and that I would move on. He took me on two dates where we just talked and never was there pressure to be anything more. My imagination ran wild and I saw things in our future. Possible things, not fairy tales. It felt good to think of them. I have always had a choice here. Experiencing new things, or loving something that I know I feel love for already. When it came down to it, I couldn't lie to myself or ginger. Big man still had a hold on me and that wasn't going to change overnight…and I still can’t honestly say that I completely want it to. I told ginger of my struggle to let go and that I didn't want to hurt either of us by trying to be in a relationship when I am obviously not ready for it. Ginger…he is an amazing guy. I deserve an amazing guy. I feel like I see that quality in big man. I hope he sees it in himself. This question has run wild in my mind. First of all, I love myself and I know that I deserve someone who loves themselves too. What if big man doesn't love himself? If so, will he ever be able to love me fully like I deserve? 

It's been about a year and I'm right back where I started from...but it's different this time.

     I wrote a bunch of stuff about how I'm at a place of confusion with my ex who I've been hanging out with for the past month, but I erased it. He's unsure and I'm unsure. I wish that weren't the case, but I don't think it's going to change...It probably shouldn't change. I had erased what I originally wrote because I was giving too much back story and it was making me feel ill to write. Our story is rocky and confusing and a whole lot of other things. But, the main reason why I can't let this guy go is because there is no one like him and I love him. I love this man and my heart aches with it, but I don't know what is going to happen.

      I find myself wanting to text and ask how he is or what he is up to, but no. I can't. We're not in a relationship. Hanging out in a group of close friends, I want to sit next to him and hold his hand or give him a hug and a kiss, but no. I can't. He's not sure what he wants. And, honestly, I'm not sure either. I mean, how can I be sure? He told me to just be natural, but how am I going to know if my natural will be rejected by his natural. It would break my heart. So, I resign myself to only occasionally asking how he is maybe every other day or for as long as I can hold out. For a couple days, he text me good morning, but not anymore. I'm the one who initiates. I feel needy and uninteresting. I know this to be untrue. I genuinely like and love myself. I'm not perfect and I know others aren't perfect either. And, I know I deserve someone who wants to know how I am. Who, when I'm sick, wants to try in someway to make me feel better. I just can't help feeling undesirable when the man I desire doesn't feel the same way.

      I'm strong and I know better than to let myself give into these low feelings. I have my own life. I am doing things that I love to do and if he wants to be apart of that, then good. If not, then that's good too. I love him and can't fault him for going with his feelings. He isn't trying to hurt me by being uninterested. I just wish he was and I wish we could be together and I wish, I wish, I wish....I just wish.

 Time to get back to my life and call my student loan carriers. Then off to work at my retail job.