It's been about a year and I'm right back where I started from...but it's different this time.

     I wrote a bunch of stuff about how I'm at a place of confusion with my ex who I've been hanging out with for the past month, but I erased it. He's unsure and I'm unsure. I wish that weren't the case, but I don't think it's going to change...It probably shouldn't change. I had erased what I originally wrote because I was giving too much back story and it was making me feel ill to write. Our story is rocky and confusing and a whole lot of other things. But, the main reason why I can't let this guy go is because there is no one like him and I love him. I love this man and my heart aches with it, but I don't know what is going to happen.

      I find myself wanting to text and ask how he is or what he is up to, but no. I can't. We're not in a relationship. Hanging out in a group of close friends, I want to sit next to him and hold his hand or give him a hug and a kiss, but no. I can't. He's not sure what he wants. And, honestly, I'm not sure either. I mean, how can I be sure? He told me to just be natural, but how am I going to know if my natural will be rejected by his natural. It would break my heart. So, I resign myself to only occasionally asking how he is maybe every other day or for as long as I can hold out. For a couple days, he text me good morning, but not anymore. I'm the one who initiates. I feel needy and uninteresting. I know this to be untrue. I genuinely like and love myself. I'm not perfect and I know others aren't perfect either. And, I know I deserve someone who wants to know how I am. Who, when I'm sick, wants to try in someway to make me feel better. I just can't help feeling undesirable when the man I desire doesn't feel the same way.

      I'm strong and I know better than to let myself give into these low feelings. I have my own life. I am doing things that I love to do and if he wants to be apart of that, then good. If not, then that's good too. I love him and can't fault him for going with his feelings. He isn't trying to hurt me by being uninterested. I just wish he was and I wish we could be together and I wish, I wish, I wish....I just wish.

 Time to get back to my life and call my student loan carriers. Then off to work at my retail job.