Pondering Change

I've recognized something about myself. I've realized that I want to "be" with guys that I already know I don't want to be in a relationship with. I do this because I know that I'll have better control over my feelings should I ever think myself wanting more from them. I need that control of the situation. Now, I believe that I'm on Earth to learn lessons and to become less and less ruled by human emotions with the point being to learn to love fully. Loving completely and being human is very hard, hence why Earth schooling is so important and why life is hard. So, that being shared, I see my need for control as a lesson or obstacle I will need to get past. It is preventing me from being vulnerable which is the only way I can experience a deep love. Everyone knows that being vulnerable increases ones chances of pain, fear and all these other negative emotions that hold us back, but we have to remember that these emotions are human. They are not stronger than our soul. We don't have to allow them to control us. Of course, this is easier said than done. This struggle is what I recognize being played out in me. I want to let myself be vulnerable and open to love and be loved in return, BUT, I don't want to feel the pain and hurt of loving someone and they losing their love for you. I want to say that my past doesn't rule my present, but everyone's history is present in how they make their decision. My step dad divorced my mom. He divorced me. He divorced our family. It hurt and years later I think the pain has morphed into a need for control. You see, prior to the divorce, I used to lay my heart on the line. I had balls. I told my crush that I liked him and I dealt with the youthful embarrassment that comes with such a revealing act. Since the divorce, I haven't had a crush. And, by crush, I mean someone I could have seen myself happy with. No one has come close to touching my heart.

So, its late and I need to go to sleep. The point of this blog has been to propose a question to myself and to anyone who reads this that feels they can offer insight or anything really that they feel inclined to share. I am wondering if I should continue only getting close to people I know I couldn't ever be with OR should I attempt to force myself to change. By this I mean going against my grain and attempt to expose my heart to pain. I am not really sure how I would do this, but I can see the need for it and I'm wondering if I should try and make that change now. Maybe if I continue looking for meaningless fun, I'll find a meaning...Perhaps I'll learn my lessons by making more "mistakes"...I don't know. I'm just pondering a change.