You open yourself to the universe and in flows this stream
of opportunities. I have to ask myself, “Am I ready for this tide?” Apparently
the Universe thinks I am. So, what do I do? Do I cast a shadow over everything
and stick to what I've experienced and find comforting even if I know there is
more? Or, do I keep the flood gates open to see what comes my way? I’m not one
to spread myself too thin. I don’t enjoy talking to a lot of guys. This is
especially true if I am interested in a specific someone. Right now, I can’t
help but still be in love with HIM. No, not Jesus. The HIM to whom I refer is
the first man I have ever expressed romantic love for--my tall big bearded man.
Honestly, I’m not sure if my heart is holding on because I am supposed to wait
for him, or my mind is holding on because it is afraid to let go. I put someone
before my big man, before. The ginger was a surprise. He asked me out only a
few short hours after my big man cleansing walk where I said that enough was
enough and that I would move on. He took me on two dates where we just talked
and never was there pressure to be anything more. My imagination ran wild and I
saw things in our future. Possible things, not fairy tales. It felt good to
think of them. I have always had a choice here. Experiencing new things, or
loving something that I know I feel love for already. When it came down to it,
I couldn't lie to myself or ginger. Big man still had a hold on me and that
wasn't going to change overnight…and I still can’t honestly say that I
completely want it to. I told ginger of my struggle to let go and that I didn't
want to hurt either of us by trying to be in a relationship when I am obviously
not ready for it. Ginger…he is an amazing guy. I deserve an amazing guy. I feel
like I see that quality in big man. I hope he sees it in himself. This question
has run wild in my mind. First of all, I love myself and I know that I deserve
someone who loves themselves too. What if big man doesn't love himself? If so,
will he ever be able to love me fully like I deserve?
